“He did not know what love was. And he did not know what good it was. But he knew he carried it around with him, a scabrous spot of rot, of contagion, for which there was no cure.”

2/1/10: ***void***
2/2/10: ***void***
2/3/10: 1. paint 2. warm socks 3. clyfford still 4. rest 5. sleep
2/4/10: 1. Magenta Eyes 2. Oslo 3. rest 4. strength 5. swimming
2/5/10: 1. coffees 2. 10 mile bike 3. new horizons 4. Abe 5. Glass Candy

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Last night I dreamt I made the best curry in the world.

New blog to read and re-read:

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Minute Project Ideas

-’write’ a letter once a day for one week and send each to someone at random

-exquisite corpse dual recumbent bike style

-create ‘melting’

-curate digital files

Looking into what it means:

• If you are swimming in your dream you are most likely swimming through the ocean of your unconscious and through the sea of your emotions.
• Swimming can represent moving forward in your life or trying to achieve a goal (get somewhere in your life), or freedom from your usual limitations.
• To dream of swimming indicates success though it would be a tiresome effort.
• To dream of swimming, is an augury of success if you find no discomfort in the act.
• Swimming – May symbolize a trustful and receptive attitude towards your unconscious, or your mother, or nature. It may also symbolize staying ‘on top’ of your emotions.
• Swimming: Activity of the Spirit; worship; gifts of the Spirit being applied; service to God; prophecy in operation.
• To dream that you are swimming in a pool, denotes much luck in love.
• Dreams about bathing and swimming are always symbols of cleansing and renewal. Dreaming about swimming outdoors denotes success in the future; everything is looking up, because you are gaining strength and endurance.
• To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past.

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I have had two conversations about spirituality with two different people today. Neither knew of the other. Both questioned positive and negative (or in their words “good” and “evil”) energies in their lives, what they attract. Their sudden interests in this surprise me a bit, both come from Catholic upbringings, one a lapsed believer and one who turns to prayer during hard times. I sense some meaning in their interest and their pointed conversations with me, some meaning that I cannot quite discern.

So I came home and researched online.  Recently my research has led me to hermeticism, divination, and the Upanishads.  Coming from a Catholic background myself I occasionally run into feelings of disobediance, like I am walking into a dark side of life.  I assume this comes from Catholic views on divination, from a time when I was younger and a neighbor’s mother read my tarot cards and I went home and told my parents and they told me that it was a sin and related to the devil.  It scared me.

Nowadays my interpretation of spirituality runs in the gray area.  I believe I face positive and negative energies, that I recieve energy and have energy taken from me. I do not believe there is one prophet or ‘God’ that should be my guide. Understanding the self, listening to the body, both are my best directors.  Divination seems to be a tool, not for fortune telling, but for meditation, a way to process a question similar to brainstorming.  Negative connotations kept me away before, but in looking into definitions, origins, and practices I can see that there is some simple practical, non-hocus pocus non-jibbery jabber truth to it.

I came across One Little Angel in the process of research. Combining images, quotes, concepts, and meditation from various sources, it seems a good direction to head.

12/24/09: 1. hugs 2. driving alone 3. home alone 4. exhaustion 5. relief

12/25/09: 1. road trip 2. jaguars up close 3. screaming 4. relief 5. dancing with eyes closed

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Hopeful plans:

-Directive online

-Portrait series

-mix cds

-More art

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Currently Read: Lives of the Artists by Calvin Tompkins

Motivating and Intriguing. I look at renowned artists as other people look at celebrities.  I always assumed these artists just knew how to make work more efficiently, thought more productively, naturally spewing out successes over and over. And I knew that was an idealized vision, but what else would I know being a twenty three year old, not-at-all successful artist, living in a space too small and giving my time to other people and things?

It’s a relief to know that some of these internationally famous artists will sit and brood over an idea for days, months, weeks, and never really get anywhere.  To know they had failed relationships, no money at times, day jobs, and total lack of support. To know some only just figured it out at near forty. To know the legal battles they face.  It makes that life approachable, and in a way liveable.

The worst part is that I will probably forget this feeling.

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Embarrassment often hits my stubborn bone, resulting in rather righteous, irreverant behavior.

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55555

12/2/09: 1. Darin 2. Books 3. Interview 4. forward thinking 5. options

12/3/09: 1. Interview 2. library 3. first snow flakes 4. adjusting 5. solitude.

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I had another dream last night where I woke myself up laughing. I don’t remember what was funny.

Then I had a nightmare.

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While I do not subscribe to fortune telling, palm reading, and past lives per se (which I view as different from reincarnation), tarot cards as a meditative device intrigue me. Most likely it has to do with the art and imagery on the cards.

Now I feel like I really didn’t push it.  Moments like that as well as all the times I was tempted to do something frowned upon, I wish I had pushed it more.

On the other hand, sometimes I don’t know when to stop pushing. I come from a family where excessive force comes rather naturally, particularly with putting in nails or screws, tightening lids and bolts, scrubbing your skin too hard. But I am also known to have a rather stubborn side to me.  No, I do not!  Anyway, sometimes I seem to be unable to tell when I’ve reached my limit. This comes particularly with physical things. Like when participating in the elementary school Presidential Physical fitness (phitness!) competitions (the nation had prescribed numbers for events that elementary school kids were advised to meet. Each year we went through the events dreading the numbers and not quite making it into the top tier for girls in grade six, or seven or eight etc).  Now I was about average at everything, never able to reach the Presidential scores except in the long stretch (the measurement of your fingertips past your toes while sitting with your legs in front of you).  It seemed so easy to stretch a bunch before hand and quickly thrust my fingers past my toes to hold for two seconds.  I got Presidential. The only event I ever did. Looking back on it I’m sure I was pretty close to pulling a muscle more than half of the time with all the lunging and jerking around.

So I come to today. Today I am afraid I will give up if I don’t go for a run to keep training for a 5k. Technically, I know i won’t give up because I’ve been somewhat interested in running since May. But there is a part of me that feels like I’m not putting in enough effort, not pushing hard enough. That part of me doesn’t take into consideration that I’ve run somewhat intensely the two days prior and DID push myself to bike the ten or so miles home from work tonight.

How much is enough? How much is too much?

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55555

10/27/09: 1. I woke myself up with my own laughter. 2. salad 3. strength 4. Soul Night/Sarah 5. Options

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10/26/09: 1. black tea 2. researching and following through 3. running just as far with so little motivation 4. finding comfort 5. Melbourne

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David Altmejd’s sculptures feed the unkempt, distorted part of my brain. It’s not about perfection what so ever and that only makes it more perfect. Materials become human remains. Decadent and perhaps more self-indulgent than some.

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I want to see this one terribly.

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All I want is to print photographs all day. I miss it.

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Sally Mann’s work is rich in color and dense in texture.

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Scariest advertising for accessories ever:

Dreamt I lived in my current apartment and old roommates Maria and Justin were traveling across the country to visit. My family was also coming to visit. Once Maria and Justin arrived I went upstairs (my apartment suddenly became two floors and laid out like my father’s house) and got distracted changing and turning lights on and off. I went downstairs to the kitchen, which was the kitchen from my last apartment in Boston, and proceeded to make vodka tonics, ran out of tonic, lime, and papertowels  so I went across the street to get more. Metro Market looked like a Sendiks in the suburbs and upon walking in I glanced at a man in a black bomber jacket who had a huge afro of blonde/brown perfectly formed curls. He very obviously winked at me, I smiled and looked away reaching for a magazine to look at. Gaining composure I went to the aisle for papertowels. All of the rolls seemed to be half used, I couldn’t find a normal sized one. Blonde/Brown curls walks past the aisle and stops to look at shower curtains before loudly mentioning a film coming to the MFA asking me to go on Friday. He said he normally doesn’t do this, and I stammered and tried to appear aloof. Blonde/Brown curls stands really close to me, making me nervous, and I ask him not to continue leaning in.  He backs off and I run in to Amy M. and chat a few minutes. I realize the store has gone dark and go try to buy my items but none of the registers are open and the night manager is counting money from the day. She attempts to charge me anyway.  I walk outside and chat with Amy some more, then the Market changes into a photo printing facility where I seem to work with her.  I screw up some orders and get yelled at by a power mom. I wake up.

10/3/09: 1. Flea Market finds (new additions to my ‘family’ photos, jewels, and occupied Japan era silver box) 2. Quick workday 3. Bryants Cocktail Lounge 4.Personalized cocktail (dubbed the ‘Just You Wait’) 5. Having that brimming with emotion feeling…about life

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Bryants Cocktail Lounge 9th and Lapham in Milwaukee.

I’m not sure why I never came here before, because it fits so perfectly. Supremely classic cocktail bar, complete with vintage stereo system, wooden bar, crushed faux velvet and crackled bronze vinyl walls, and the most intelligent and eloquent bartenders.  Seriously, these men dressed in either white oxford/black vest/black trousers or full suit and hat, know their liquor. Possibly the only bar other than Foundation that knows how to make a Mai Tai and the only bar where you can request a personalized drink.  After our celebratory Mai Tais, Katie Candy ordered a flaming drink and I wanted something different, something new. In talking with my rather tall, rather handsome bartender I decided I wanted a drink with whiskey, sour not sweet, and possibly limes. He asked if I liked ginger, which I do oh so much, and away he went mixing and shaking. I was served a very tall yellow grapefruit colored drink, with the perfect amount of ginger and a whole lot of deliciousness. The ‘Just You Wait’ cocktail. Perfect.

Pictures of the beauty below (via)

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Two nights ago I dreamt I was at an incredible thrift store inside the old Wauwatosa public elementary school I took dance classes at. I was obsessed with these green glass mixing bowls and didn’t have money to get them. There was another lady who wanted them and also had no money on her. We decided whoever came back with money to pay for them could keep them.  I left with Katie K. to get money and we drove for what seemed like forever (the majority of the dream was us driving either to get money or back to the thrift store).  The anticipation of getting there was extreme.  I woke up before I could get back to the school/store.

Last night I dreamt I was redecorating a huge old house that was converted into offices. The ground floor had a moveable staircase that could be disconnected from the rest of the stairs. I was responsible for making sure employees on the higher floors didn’t try to use the stairs when the moveable ones weren’t set up.  I also was in charge of updating the signs. *this middle part was a blur* Then I was driving my dad’s truck (without a license) Katie K. was in the passenger seat and some guy with shaggy hair was in the back seat. The truck had a lot of my possessions in it. I believe I was slightly intoxicated while driving and was very nervous in anticipation of getting the truck back to my dad’s in one piece.  At one point it was just me in the truck and I kept stopping and moving some boots and a jacket a block up the street, walking back and driving up to them, then doing it all over again. I was on Greenfield Ave. I woke up before I got to my dad’s house.

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Today I’ve been thinking deeply about connections. I’ve spent the last week primarily in my own head, thinking and processing ideas and history.  \\\\

Some connections begin and end as missed connections (Eric B. and Rob N.), some never become anything other than an idea in my head (K.P., Chris), some of those ideas come into being- but with rather disappointing results (‘Frame Shop Boy’  ‘Brazillian Bartender’ and a slew of blind dates), and only a few squeak by squirming their way into my reality.

I like this process of elimination. \\\\\

I received my friendship bracelet from Mary Amor today. I know her only in internet and now USPS fashion. I found out about her via Jessica Williams whom I have never met or had any interactions (electronic or flesh) with. I found out about Jessica Williams from a girl in my bookmaking class at SMFA, a girl I didn’t know at all. I cannot remember her name right now. That girl took a photograph of me and my old boyfriend. I was 19.

Anyway, Mary’s handmade bracelet came today:::::

Look at all the colors!

She also sent one of her own postcards (which reminds me of something I should tell her about) with a sweet handwritten note.

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Oh, and I must mention I’m slowly getting this place back into order (if you try to go anywhere there are 404 messages! sorry!) and will update with better design and hopefully an organized layout soon enough. It’s a part of a big ‘To-Do’

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And today’s 55555

1. finding a new hairstyle 2. making chili 3. knowing I will have to stay in due to money reasons and not minding it one bit 4. anticipation 5.This song that I cannot get out of my head::::

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Today is for K.P. I don’t know you. I’m sure you will never know that I wanted to be your friend. Your life is hard it seems. And, it makes me want to reach out to you to help you. But I cannot. I hope you get strength from the energy I have been sending your way today.  I hope you can find beauty in this world.

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9/28/09: 1. Wind! 2. Amazing run 3. Accomplishments 4. Motivation 5. Looking at the sky

9/29/09: 1. Immense happiness 2. “You can be whoever you want to be” 3. Mary Amor 4. Just You Wait 5. Calm

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Last night I dreamt I was at a wedding but the reception was in the remodeled basement of my Uncle Bob’s house. Except, where the billiards table normally is, there was a white kitchen. The kitchen had no floor, instead it was a deep pool of dark water that I had to swim through to get more salsa for the wedding.

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Also: Look at this house. Look at that huge painting on the Left.

I wish this was mine. via www.theselby.com